When I complain, it’s because something is wrong
My default status at work at the moment is being miserable. I’ve already decided I’m leaving the job, but it still doesn’t make every day any less worse.
As somebody that has always been highly autonomous & purpose-driven, I find the idea of working towards a goal I don’t believe in, for somebody I neither believe in or like, difficult to swallow.
Every time I’m required to do anything that goes towards those goals, I feel a sense of dread & tension in myself. I think to myself, ‘only a few more weeks’.
I disagree so fundamentally with much of what I need to do for the majority of the day that the knock-on effect in my social life has been significant: I find myself complaining about anything & everything work-related.
But, what surprises me about this is that I hate complaining. On principle I tend to avoid it. If you’ve got a problem, you go & fix it.
Has it got so bad that my only outlet, my brief respite, is bitching to a friend for a few hours about my boss using the word ‘family’ to make myself feel a little bit better.
Or is it just a game? A way to amuse myself in the evenings, whilst I’m safe in the knowledge that it will not last? That, as of this morning, I have 5 weeks,1 day & 2.5 hours until I will hand in my resignation. That my temporary, torturous state of limbo is lessening by the day.
At least mine are productive
Complaining generally lacks substance & any attempt at conflict resolution. At its worst it can be seeing injustice & personal affronts at every turn. It is a failure to recognise that it is the complainer’s responsibility to take action to resolve whatever is pissing you off.
Usually, nothing good comes of it & it just leaves you in a permanent state of self-pity & unhappiness.
I see my complaints in a different light, however. I see my actions as ‘productive complaining’ that creates motivation to fuel my own fire. By constantly repeating & reinforcing the things that make me unhappy with my current job, it forces me to confront them every day.
Yet this only works because I have a plan in place. I decided to leave 2 months ago & have been up at 6.30am every morning to start building an alternative future for myself.
There has, therefore, been a steady snowballing of momentum towards my highly-anticipated – at least for me – exit on December 1st. Every complaint energises me & keeps me going. Every negative thought gets me up even earlier & working even harder.
Because I feel in control, despite the constant state of apathy & misery I feel when I walk through the office door, my complaints do not drown me in negativity & unproductive thoughts.
They are, funnily enough, a constant companion fuelling my fire to get me to the exit door.